I recently cut all of my hair off. It's basically full-on pixie. I remember freshman year wanted to do it, but my parents said that it'd make me look like a boy. There were multiple times growing up when my mom would call my personality boyish or manly, whether it be my "hyper-independence" or my previous lack of interest in traditionally feminine activities or something else, and it always felt wrong. And when I very impulsively cut my hair, it felt the same. I've always associated my long hair with my femininity, and I've been feeling anxious of how I'm being perceived. My hair was the only thing that people would complement me about when it was long and unbleached and untouched. With my bad body image, I felt that it was the defining thing about my beauty, so changing my hair these past few years has been wack for my self-esteem.
Since the cut, it's been difficult for me to feel pretty. The association of my hair with my beauty was too strong, and it's kept me away from my usual style. The thought of people's perceptions was always on my mind when I went out, and I've had the thought to change it more to try and fit these standards. Shaving it off, getting extensions, wearing a wig. I've also started to envy people's hair, and I've never had these thoughts before. Comparison has been on my mind every time I go out or every time I open social media. The yearning to do fun hairstyles with long hair has popped up on numerous occasions. And I feel like I've been more susceptive to the conformity of traditional beauty standards: long hair, a thinner body, Eurocentric features. Without my hair, I felt like I was more aware of what I was lacking. But it's allowed me to think in a new light as well.
More recently, I've come to accept it more, and this acceptance has given me more time to think about how this relates to my gender and how I express it. The only thing that came from me cutting my hair was a firmer belief on what my gender is and that I probably won't ever go this short again. Another thing: I've found other ways to feel pretty. Taking the time to do makeup and getting dressed has allowed me to be more mindful of my appearance and comfortable with it. And instead of being neutral to my body, I've come to like and appreciate it more. It's nice that I'm able to still get something out of an unplanned outcome.
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