As a kid, I don't think I ever had any doubts that I was a woman. Of course, there'd be times where my sister would want her nails painted or she'd do a sassy walk and pose in new clothes and I'd cringe, or while my sister and cousins would do each others hair, I'd be with my brothers and boy-cousins playing Pokémon (this is in the most non-pick-me way, btw), but I was content with being the gender I was assigned at birth.
There'd seldom be that thought of "I wish I were a man because of *insert reason*," but I never took those thoughts seriously. Doesn't everyone have those thoughts? Doesn't everyone wish they were a man so that it'd be easier to get girls and be in a relationship and be better off socially? There are also thoughts of gender dysmorphia, but I feel like they're more understandable. They're usually on the lines of "I wish I didn't have boobs," but boobs are kind of an inconvenience, so I never thought much of it. It makes sense to me.
Recently, I've started to explore more of what defines womanhood. When discussing about the shared experiences of being a woman, I can relate to it wholeheartedly. The prejudices, the hypervigilance of walking at night, the unwanted advances. I can bond with another woman on them. But I don't think that's what really defines if someone's a woman or not.
And whenever I'm referred as a woman by a male-presenting person, my immediate reaction is "no". It feels wrong whenever they do. I guess it's because it's usually with a negative connotation. Something along the lines of "Ok, woman" or "It's cause you're a woman." I don't want to say that I don't want to be a woman when these situations arise, but I think that the male perception of women in general is what I want to distance myself from. Even when it is in a positive light though, it feels icky. Just men... are icky unless proven otherwise. I just don't want to be forced into a box like men tend to do.
Getting back on track, if I'm not a woman though, what am I? I'm definitely not a man, and I'm sometimes maybe a woman. I've been using the term genderqueer just so that I have some label to connect to, but what if I'm agender? Or maybe a demigirl? Nonbinary?Agender has a good feel to it, but I think that because I present more feminine, I'm not warranted the title. Demigirl doesn't make me happy, but I think I can identify the most to it. And nonbinary has the same feel as genderqueer. I don't think it's a bad title to identify with, but I want something more descriptive? Or less like an umbrella-term? Maybe I could just say that I'm femme or feminine-presenting, but I feel like that has the implication that I identify as a woman.
I don't really know anymore. For now, I think I'm going to stick to genderqueer and just accept that people will call me a woman, and these thoughts are going on the back burner.
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