I feel like normal human things are embarrassing.
Things like not wanting to be alone, admitting the craving for connection, love, etc. Those are all cringe to me. And I know it's because of my upbringing. I was always labeled as the easy child. The one that didn't need worrying. The responsible one.
From these unsolicited titles grew a need to affirm those thoughts. I needed to do things myself. I needed to be a self-starter. I needed to let things go or else I'd be considered sensitive, and that's not being an easy child. I needed to repress it all.
All that taught me that it's better for me not to say what I needed. There were a different set of expectations that defied being human. Years of that habit resulted in the inability to identify my needs and emotions. I guess it makes sense why I found attention and connection wrong.
It's been a year since I started going to therapy regularly, and the catalyst was when I was in a relationship and because I felt like I didn't deserve to have a partner. It got me thinking more about the core values ingrained in me. It made me reflect on what is healthy and what isn't. To feel undeserving of connection was because of my self-esteem and my overall feelings of my needs. The shame that I felt when I started to live my own life outside of what others expected of me was hard. It went against everything that I have learned thus far. Even if I knew it was wrong, I needed to fulfill what titles were given to me.
I still feel that way sometimes, and there are times when I'm unsure how to detach myself from that version of myself. Hell, I don't even know how to move on from this sense of shame that I've gotten so used to, but I recognize that I've come a long wat since. Without therapy, I wouldn't have realize how wrong or unhealthy these thoughts were, and I'm still taking time to process with that and learn from that.
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